


Can't Get You Out of My Mind

by hermioneclone



Category: Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - Benjamin Alire Sáenz
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, LGBTQ Character of Color, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV Dante Quintana, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 00:41:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6173206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermioneclone/pseuds/hermioneclone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I thought the party would be good. Get out of the house, you know? I hadn’t heard from Ari in a few days and I was going a little stir crazy. I had too much time to think about my feelings. Lying around moping wasn’t going to do anything about it. It wasn’t going to make me unbeaten up. So when Daniel called...I said yes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Get You Out of My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> This one is pretty much solid angst, which is kind of unusual for me. But it takes place while Ari is figuring out his feelings right before the end of the book in the desert, so I suppose that can be considered the happy ending.

I thought the party would be good. Get out of the house, you know? I hadn’t heard from Ari in a few days and I was going a little stir crazy. I had too much time to think about my feelings. Lying around moping wasn’t going to do anything about it. It wasn’t going to make me unbeaten up. So when Daniel called...I said yes.

He said that the people at the party wouldn’t care. They were friends of his. I couldn’t take his word on it. Not after everything. I hated that. I hated that I always had to think like I was going to be jumped at any minute now. So we kept a respectable distance as we danced, which would have annoyed me in any other situation, but I was kinda grateful. He got me a beer, the red solo cup dripping with condensation in the steamy room. I sipped it, wincing at the taste. I’d never liked the stuff, but tonight...it was more than that. It was like it was just amplifying my morose mood and just felt wrong in my mouth.

Daniel didn’t seem to notice. Or if he did, he didn’t care. He just kept talking and talking and drank as he talked. And it wasn’t even anything interesting either. It was just mindless nonsense that I could barely focus on with the booming bass filling the room. So I sipped my beer and started thinking about what Ari and I would be talking about if I was here with him instead.

Ha. Ari at a party. I’d pay to see that.

I got a sick feeling in my stomach that had nothing to do with the alcohol.

I hated this too. That I couldn’t even go out with a guy without comparing everything to Ari. He couldn’t get the fuck out of my head for one night and just let me have some peace. I hated him for that.

Could I hate Ari? I don’t know.

“You sure are quiet tonight,” Daniel observed, interrupting my thoughts.

“Maybe I don’t have anything to say.”

Daniel snorted. “Never had that problem before.”

“Never was gay bashed before either,” I snapped. I hadn’t meant to say that. But it was always there, right where I couldn’t ignore it. I didn’t feel sorry for what I said. I wondered why.

“I thought we were cool,” he huffed.

“So did I,” I muttered.

“What is your problem?” Daniel demanded, his voice hard and demanding. I shuddered, the shouts of that night echoing through my head. I closed my eyes tight for a moment. So this is what it was like to have demons inside you. “You are one strange dude, Dante.”

When Ari said something like that, I could hear the note of affection in his voice. It wasn’t the kind of affection I wanted, but I knew it was genuine. I liked when he called me weird. Was that weird? I’d have to ask him, if he ever decided to speak to me again. But this felt different. I felt small and alone and I wanted to be anywhere but here.

“You’re thinking about your _friend_ , aren’t you?” Daniel sneered. He didn’t have to say the name for me to know that he meant Ari.

“I’m allowed to think about my friends,” I shot back defensively.

Daniel snorted. “Your only friend, you mean.”

“He’s not...I have tons of friends.” So, okay, I was lying. Sure, I’d made a few friends in Chicago, but Ari was different. He was my only real friend. Well, before I ruined that. It had to be me. That had to be why he wasn’t talking to me. He finally snapped. I tried not to think about how he held me when I came home from the hospital.

“He’s an ass. Tough guy tried to beat me up, you know. He’s no better than those-”

“No,” I cut him off harshly. “Aristotle Mendoza is ten times the man those bastards ever will be. And he’s ten times better than you,” I added. I felt good about my words. They were true. Despite all of my complicated feelings...Ari was good. That was not up for debate.

“And yet, he’s not man enough for you. Not in the way you want him to be.” I kept my mouth shut. “You’ll never have him. That kid’s straighter than a nail.”

“Nails can bend,” I muttered under my breath, more just to spite him than anything else. I drained the last of my beer. I should have just left the half-full cup on a table. “I want to go home.”

“Fine by me,” Daniel huffed, stalking off and leaving me standing by the wall. I’m pretty sure I saw him flirting with another guy as I left the room to find a phone. It surprised me that I didn’t care. He was nothing to me except a bad memory.

I took a deep breath before dialing my number. I didn’t look forward to my parents picking me up from a party where there was alcohol and I’d obviously been drinking. I wished I could call Ari to pick me up instead. But if I could call Ari I’d probably never have come here in the first place. I just needed to get out of this place. So I bit the bullet and called.

“Hello?” My dad’s voice sounded happy. That was rare these days. My parents were always worrying over me and working really hard to make it look like they weren’t worried. I saw right through them.

“Hey, Dad,” I said. “Can you pick me up?”

“Are you okay?” his voice asked sharply. “Are you hurt?”

“Not on the outside,” I sighed before giving him the address.

“I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“I’ll wait on the steps. Thanks, Dad.”

“I’m glad you called, Dante.”

It felt like forever until he pulled up in front of the house. I’d been waiting outside, my hands shoved deep into my pockets. The night air had the slightest hint of a chill to it, but it was like I was numb to it, just like everything else. I sighed heavily as Dad drove up to the curb. I wasn’t sure if I was more nervous or relieved.

He didn’t say anything when I got into the car. Which was a little out of character, but I was grateful. It gave me time to adjust. My head was a little jumbled from the beer and the emotions. I was afraid of what I might say.

“Did something happen with Daniel?” Dad asked as we rolled to a stop at a light. I just shrugged.

“He’s a jerk,” I explained simply, not really wanting to go into the whole thing. Did I have to tell my parents everything? They sure thought so.

“I’m sorry.” He sounded like he meant it. We drove on in silence for a few minutes.

“Maybe I’m unlovable,” I finally blurted out, my own words startling me almost as much as Dad. He recovered quickly, though, I’ll give him that.

“You’re not,” he said, his voice firm and sure. I wasn’t so certain that kind of conviction was appropriate in this situation. “Your mom and I love you.”

I rolled my eyes. “That doesn’t count.”

Dad huffed a little in exasperation. “Of course it counts, Dante.”

“But you’re my parents; you’re obligated to love me. It’s part of the package,” I reasoned. Didn’t he know that’s not what I meant? Was he being deliberately obtuse?

“What about Ari-” No, he knew exactly what he was doing.

“I don’t want to talk about Ari,” I snapped viciously before his question could fully form, my voice filled with a raw ferocity I didn’t even realize was festering inside me.

It was Dad’s turn to shrug. “Suit yourself.”

I sank lower in my seat. “He doesn’t...he isn’t…” My voice was unusually small. I hated that. That smallness terrified me. It was my body curled in on itself to offer meager protection from blows. It was me sitting on a chair in the hospital waiting room, my heels resting on the seat and my knees tucked up under my chin while I waited to hear if my best friend died because of me. It was a bird, shot by cruel boys. Why were boys so cruel? Why was Ari? Why was I thinking about any of this?

“Look,” Dad interrupted, and I was thankful that he was giving me an easy out. “Even if things don’t work out the way you thought...someday you’ll find someone who can be what you deserve. Might happen sooner than you think.” He had this look on his face, like he knew something I didn’t. I figured that it must have been one of those dad things, you know, the stuff people know just by getting old. Silence settled between us again until we pulled into the driveway. Dad just sat there and it seemed like there was something he wanted to say, so I didn’t open my door either.

“We’re proud of you, Dante,” he said finally, turning to face me. I knew I should look at him but my eyes were filling with tears and in this particular instance I felt self conscious about them. Maybe that’s what happens when you bottle up something for so long. “I know you were worried about disappointing your mother and me. But you haven’t, okay?”

“I know,” I said, and I think deep down I was telling the truth. Maybe I had known all along. Sometimes knowing the truth isn’t enough, though. Sometimes you have to hear it from someone else to know it was real.

Mom was waiting for us in the kitchen. She tried to hide the pinched look of worry on her face as we came inside, but I was faster than she was. I felt bad I had made her worry. That couldn’t be good for the baby, right? “You okay?” she asked softly, her face a mask I couldn’t read.

I hesitated. “Not really,” I sighed, slumping into a chair next to her.

She sniffed the air suspiciously. “Dante, have you been drinking?”

I shrugged. “What if I have?”

“Dante, don’t talk to your mother like that,” his dad warned, a hint of impatient exasperation in his voice. “Chole, he did the right thing, he called for a ride home. I think we can let it go this time.” I could hear what he didn’t say. _This one’s been through enough_. I appreciated the not getting in trouble part, but I hated the why. I’d almost take the punishment over feeling this pathetic.

Mom huffed but didn’t put up a fight. “I don’t like that Daniel boy.”

“Join the club,” I groaned. “Definitely not worth getting beat up over,” I added, trying to make light of the situation. I could tell by the looks on their faces they weren’t amused.

Mom smiled at me sadly. “There will be other boys, Dante.”

I shook my head. “I’m never kissing another boy ever again,” I vowed. Dad rolled his eyes. But I meant it. The only guy I really wanted to kiss, the only guy I’d ever really wanted to kiss, was Ari. And he didn’t want to kiss me. He’d made that abundantly clear. So. Better to take a vow of chastity or whatever. Safer. For my body and my soul.

“I’m going to bed,” I announced. “Thanks for picking me up, Dad.”

His smile was soft and warm in that way that only my dad knew how to do. “Anytime.” He pulled me into a hug before I could escape to my room. Mom followed suit. It wasn’t anything that out of the ordinary, it wasn’t unusual for them to express their affection like this. But ever since that night...touch was different. I had to think about it. It didn’t come easy anymore. I hated that I resented their comfort.

I shut my bedroom door firmly behind me and sank into my mattress. The tears I didn’t realize I had been holding back all night came spilling out. That was another new thing. I didn’t like crying in front of people anymore. I never used to care what people thought. Now it just made me feel weak.

Ari was the last person to see me cry, that day I came home from the hospital. I hated him for that. I hated that I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I hated that I still wanted him. I hated that he didn’t want me.

Wiping my tears furiously away, I resolved to get over Ari Mendoza. I couldn’t keep going on like this. I knew where he stood. And I didn’t think I could stand being so close, not the way things were. Maybe my life would be better without him.

I think I knew in my heart that wasn’t true, but in that moment, that’s what I needed to believe.

 

 

 


End file.
